Lost in Middle Earth
by Short Hobbit
Summary: Oh dear. Six girls get warped in Middle Earth and take on the roles of six of your favorite LOTR characters. What's more Legolas, Frodo and co get warped into the real world. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...
1. The Saga Begins

1100 Hours, Caroline's House, England  
  
* Four girls stand rubbing their hands together in a vain attempt to keep warm; the Fifth is standing next to them in a short-sleeved t-shirt chanting "I'm not cold" over and over. *  
  
Nat: I'm not cold. I'm not cold. I'm not cold. I'm not cold.  
  
Jess: Ash, ring the doorbell again before I shoot Nat will you.  
  
* The doorbell is pressed and the girls continue waiting *  
  
Louisa: Can someone tell me again why we have come round?  
  
Simran: I got a call from Caroline's brother at twelve last night telling me to come round.  
  
Jess: Me too!  
  
Louisa: Same!  
  
Ashley: Ditto.  
  
Nat: I'm not cold, I'm not cold, I'm not cold.Oh yeah same here  
  
Jess: That can't be good.  
  
* The door opens and a sleepy Caroline emerges *  
  
Caroline: Huh.  
  
* Gets trampled as everyone rushes in *  
  
Nat: Yo Mickey!  
  
* Michael, Caroline's older brother who is mentally insane, and who is sitting on the upstairs banister, runs his fingers down the edge of a knife and glares evilly *  
  
Michael: Hello, I'm in a homicidal mood. (A normal greeting by Michael standards)  
  
Ashley: You wouldn't kill me *smiles* I'm AMAZING!  
  
Michael: *evil glare and smile, chucks knife at Jess's head. Missing it by millimetres*  
  
Jess: *Scared squeak* you wouldn't really kill us.  
  
Michael: * raises one eyebrow* wouldn't I?  
  
*The group stare at him for a second*  
  
Caroline: RUNNNN!!!!  
  
*The girls run for their life as Michael chases them into the attic whilst laughing manically*  
  
*Jess slams the door and leans against it*  
  
Jess: I.Hate.Your.Brother!  
  
Nat: He's not that bad.  
  
* Chainsaw sounds emerge from the floor below*  
  
Nat: .Ok point taken.  
  
*Everyone sits down and goes about doing random things. Louisa and Ashley burst spontaneously in the chorus of the Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (that is how it is spelt), Nat produces a pair of scissors from somewhere and starts randomly cutting the air, Simi pulls out LOTR: The Fellowship of The Ring which she has been reading for over a year, Jess glares into space and Caroline begins to explore her own attic *  
  
Caroline: Ooo, what a big, red button labelled "DO NOT PUSH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! THAT MEANS YOU CAROLINE! I wonder what it does.  
  
Everyone: NO! * They all dog pile Caroline, but are too late. She has already pressed the button*  
  
Michael: * Holding a very large chainsaw* Hey what's going on-  
  
* The room starts to shake and it all goes black.  
  
***  
  
Nat: Cool! Hey guys were in Middle Earth! (Don't ask how I know) Guys? Guys?  
  
* Looks around Confused*  
  
Nat: Hey where is everyone? And why is everything so big?  
  
* Looks down at her clothes and screams*  
  
Nat: OH. MY. GOD!  
  
*Deep Inhale of Breath*  
  
Nat: I'm a HOBBIT!!  
  
*Screams again*  
  
Nat: GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!  
  
* Screams so loud that the trees shake*  
  
***  
  
Jess: Umm what happen there? Hey I have a beard!!!! I must be. Dumbledore! Wowee! look I have a staff!!! Hold on a sec I thought I had a wand? Guys doesn't Dumbledore have a wand? Guys? This doesn't look like Hogwarts?  
  
*Looks around*  
  
Jess: Guys? Where are you? Where am I? Hey, WHY AREN'T I WEARING A BRA!?!?!? So, is this really Hogwarts?  
  
Another Voice (OV): No fool you're in Mordor.  
  
Jess: * Looks around again* who are you?  
  
OV: I am your conscience.  
  
Jess: That must mean I'm.Rincewind!!!! His conscience talks to him.but hold on why don't I have a wizard hat, with sequins and everything?  
  
OV: *sighs* you are not Rincewind  
  
Jess: Then why are you talking to me?  
  
OV: Good point, umm, bye now!  
  
Jess: Don't leave me all alone. Fine then DO!!! *Angry squeak* so if I'm not Rincewind and I'm not Dumbledore, I must be.Merlin! Cool! Now lets' see what this staff can do.  
  
* So Merlin, I mean Jess zaps in a computer with broadband, a desk and a comfy chair, then sits down to read LOTR fanfics as various volcanoes erupt behind her.it still doesn't click! *  
  
***  
  
* Caroline wakes up in a huge, fluffy bed in a huge room, with a huge door on which is printed one word in a gold curly script.  
  
"Legolas"*  
  
Caroline: * Hasn't seen the sign yet* Ok, why am I in Middle Earth? (See! It's not only me that can recognise Middle Earth)  
  
Caroline: *Sees the sign on the door, mouth drops* this is either a really, really good dream or someone is playing a very sick joke.  
  
*Scratches ear as she always does when confused*  
  
Caroline: That's odd, since when did I have pointy ears, *looks at her hair* or very long, very blonde hair *looks somewhere else* or balls O_O.Oh dear.  
  
* A gust of wind closes the door revealing a huge mirror and Caroline, sorry Legolas sitting in his boxers*  
  
Caroline: OMG! I am so hot! Wow! This is like a dream come true, ok not exactly like the dreams I have normally it's me and Legolas, but this works.  
  
*She stands up and starts admiring herself in the mirror, forgetting the fact that she's in Middle Earth, has lost all her friends and is in an elf's body*  
  
***  
  
Simran: SCREECH!  
  
Simran: SCREECH?  
  
Simran: SCREECH!?!  
  
Simran (thinks to herself): Crap.  
  
***  
  
Louisa: * Leaning over the edge of a very deep ravine, in a huge cave* HELLO!  
  
Echo: LO-Lo-lo.  
  
Louisa: Is anybody there?  
  
Echo: AIR-Air-air.  
  
Louisa: Fine, ok then don't answer me.  
  
Echo: EE-Ee-ee  
  
*She leans back*  
  
Louisa: Hmm.that looks very deep.  
  
* Picks up a stone and chucks it down into the black  
  
*** Ten Minutes Later ***  
  
* Very distant* Ping!  
  
Louisa: Very deep. * Strokes beard*  
  
* Having now established that the carven is very deep Louisa remains ignorant to the fact that she is 4ft tall, has a long trailing beard and is holding a huge double-headed axe that could easily chop someone's head off, oh and that she is in fact a he!*  
  
* She swings her axe around idly*  
  
Louisa: Hmmm, I wonder where everyone else is. *Shrugs* Oh no worries.  
  
* A thought suddenly hits her.him.her, oh I don't know! *  
  
Louisa: I'M GOING TO MISS EASTENDERS!!  
  
* Another thought hits.it*  
  
Louisa: AND HOLBY CITY!!!  
  
* Here we go again*  
  
Louisa: AND *gasp* NEIGHBOURS!!! * Sniff* I'm so depressed.  
  
***  
  
* Ashley has also found herself in someone's bedroom, but unlike Caroline she remains oblivious to the sudden change of scenery, world and species she has just experienced. She is in fact trying on the entire contents of someone wardrobe. *  
  
Ashley: Wow! Pink!!!!!  
  
* Starts dancing about in a long baby pink dress and singing 'A Whole New World' at the top of her voice. Elves from all over Middle Earth are forced to endure the complete rendition of this song as Ashley screams it out as loud as she can. *  
  
A Voice: Arwen?  
  
* Ashley screams *  
  
Ashley: Who the hell are you?  
  
* A tall dark haired elf steps out from the shadows accompanied by two other elves with long blonde hair.*  
  
Elrond: It's me Arwen, is something the matter? It sounded as though some one was dieing.  
  
Ashley: What?!?  
  
* Ashley looks the guy up and down*  
  
Ashley: Hey I know you. You that guy out of the Matrix! Agent Smith! WOW! So, why are you wearing a coat hanger on your head?  
  
Elrond: *glances up at his little tiara thing* Arwen are you feeling alright?  
  
* Ashley glances down at her long pink dress and the long dark hair that is on her shoulder, she looks around the room and out of the window at the river. *  
  
Ashley: Why do you keep calling me Arwen?  
  
Elrond: * Stares at the smiling Ashley in disbelief * because that is your name?  
  
Ashley: No it's not. I'm Ashley * smiles again *  
  
Elrond: Si ista uuva Arwen. (That's elfish for "This isn't Arwen.")  
  
Ashley: Come again?  
  
Elf guard No1: Ya ista ta? (Who is it?)  
  
Ashley: What are you talking about?  
  
Elrond: Aiya melda. (Oh dear)  
  
Elrond: Wanya (go)  
  
* The guards depart *  
  
Ashley: Um.  
  
Elrond: Selde? (Daughter?)  
  
Ashley: Can you stop it please?  
  
Elrond: Do know where you are, Ashley?  
  
Ashley: Err. no * smiles weakly *  
  
Elrond: You're in Rivendell.  
  
Ashley: Oh, right and that's in Middle Earth?  
  
* Elrond looks at Ashley again *  
  
Elrond: Yes, but you still don't know what I'm talking about do you?  
  
Ashley: Err.No.  
  
*Elrond sighs*  
  
Elrond: Ok, so who pushed the big, red button?  
  
***  
  
* In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount doom the Dark Lord Sauron is looking very smug. Michael Austell has just entered Middle Earth in the form of Sauron, and he's not just a glowing eye. He's back and this time he's got all his fingers. *  
  
So that's the end of Chapter one. I apologise for the badness of it, this is what happens when you wake up at six in the morning to Helm's Deep reverberating through the floorboards. It skews your perspective a bit. 


	2. Oh Dear, Oh Dear

Note: Ok so I wrote this chapter in about ten minutes. It's not too good, but hey nobody said it would be perfect. Thank you to the people who reviewed chapter 1!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!! And a special shout to JESS! Who is technically the co -writer. K, that's about it so read on then.  
  
****  
  
*In Fangorn forest it's raining and in a small clearing a hobbit is sitting on a slippery log which he keeps falling off, getting very wet.*  
  
* He sighs *  
  
Natalie: This is really depressing.  
  
*Sighs again and wraps her cloak tighter over her head even though it's not helping at all to keep out the rain.  
  
Natalie: I'm sitting in the pouring rain in really uncomfortable clothes on a slippery log which I have fallen off twice, I can't feel my feet which, may I add are HUGE, my nose is going to drop off soon and, to add to the humiliation of it all I'M 3FT TALL!!  
  
*She falls off the log again*  
  
Natalie: THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!  
  
* Rubs her nose to try an massage some life into it *  
  
Natalie: When I get my hands on that god damned Caroline, I am going to get very, very angry!  
  
* Realises that she is 3ft tall and has no hop in hell of beating up any of her friends no matter what shape they are in *  
  
Natalie: GRR!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
* A torrent of rainwater falls on her head drenching her from head to toe *  
  
Natalie: *sniff*  
  
****  
  
Caroline: I'm so hot! I'm so hot! I'm so hot! I'm so hot!  
  
* Legolas is dancing around the room still in his green leaf pattern boxers*  
  
Caroline: I'm amazing! I'm amazing! I'm amazing!  
  
* Sees the rest of her clothes lying on a chair next to her bed *  
  
Caroline: Cool!  
  
* Runs over and leafs through the many articles and green and brown clothing, only occasionally pausing to admire herself in shiny piece of armour *  
  
Caroline: Wow! A bow and arrow! Cool!  
  
* She picks up the weapon and, some how manages to load the bow.*  
  
Caroline: *whilst staring at her reflection in the mirror* I look cool! I look cool! I look cool! * starts posing*  
  
* Of course as Legolas is too busy to realise the tension she is putting on the bowstring and due to physics that no one understand somehow the string snaps*  
  
Caroline: OH SHIT!!!!!  
  
* The arrow ricochets of various obstacles, smashed vases, breaks mirrors and ends up deeply imbedded next to Legolas's ear*  
  
Caroline: * Quiet whisper * Oh shit.. * and he faints*  
  
***  
  
*Gandalf, I mean Jess I mean well the person now in the form of a wizard looks around enchanted she is sitting with a computer in front of her enamoured by the funny stories on fanfic, she/he sighs contentedly swings his/her legs and starts singing super sadist by Jack off Jill.*  
  
*Suddenly overcome by inspiration she grabs her staff and two big speakers and a hi-fi falls out the sky blaring out Jack off Jill. Several smaller thumps follow it the muse album falls from the sky followed by Evanescence, Red Hot Chili Pepper and 12 Stones. The person in wizard form beams zaps in a cup of coffee and gets back to reading those funny Lord of the Rings fanfics and it still doesn't click. In the distance mount doom explodes *  
  
Jess/Gandalf: Hey! Someone's having fireworks!  
  
*Starts humming insanely*  
  
Jess: Hum, hum hum.  
  
* Mount Doom starts to spew molten rock*  
  
Jess: God! You'd think people would realise bonfire night was two weeks ago!  
  
* Lava starts to flow dangerously close to him/her*  
  
Jess: It's getting hot isn't it?  
  
* So we leave Gandalf about to be engulfed in a river of molten rock and ash, whilst singing her favourite songs and swinging his/her legs innocently. Oh dear, oh dear oh dear.*  
  
***  
  
* Gimli is laying spread eagled on a small platform staring blankly up at the bridge he has just fallen off. Despite fallen almost 100ft he has some how managed to survive and remain holding his axe *  
  
Louisa: Jesus. that was strange.  
  
* Thinks to herself for a moment checking she still has all her limbs*  
  
Louisa: Wow.LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!  
  
* She jumps up and straightens her armour which clinks as she moves *  
  
* Holding the axe high over her head she takes a deep breathe and plunges into the depth of Moria, in pursuit of adventure, her friends and, for some unknown reason, hockey sticks. * shrugs* Ah well ours is no to reason why.*  
  
***  
  
Ashley: So then we went to Disney and it was like WOW! And then we saw all the Princess and I was like WOW!!!! And then we went and I brought fairy wings, and I was like WOW!!!!!!! Elrond? Elrond? Are you listening?  
  
* The Elvin King was staring into space, his eyes wide with horror. For three and a half hours he had been subjected to Ashley's account of her trips to Disney Land, and her constant need for people's compliments. After one minute he had been reduced to a state of mind normally only achieved by jelly*  
  
* And he still hadn't found out who pushed the button*  
  
Ashley: SO.then she said the Jess said that I said that Louisa said that Caroline said that Josh was fit and I was like NO WAY!! And she said that Emily said that Siobhan said that Jenny said like totally the same. So I was like OMG! And she was like OMG that is what Alissa said that Charlotte said that Fiona said that I would say. Isn't that like totally a coincidence?  
  
* Elrond's eyes flicker*  
  
Elrond: Please stop talking.  
  
Ashley: NO! So anyway, I said that Natalie said that Fiona said that Sophie so shouldn't have worn those boots to the social and she like totally agreed so.  
  
* Elrond turned back to counting the particles of dust in the air, his I.Q dropping slowly as every minute passed*  
  
Ashley: So anyway, don't you just love this dress, it's so my colour, but those robes you're wearing I mean EWWW!!!!!! Elrond: What's wrong with my robes?  
  
Ashley: I mean no offence but they are seriously ugly. Why don't you try something in pink? Where's your room? I'm sure you must have something pink.  
  
* Elrond eyes almost pop*  
  
Elrond: W-what?!? N-no!  
  
* But Ashley is already walking out of the door and down the corridor past bemused elves*  
  
Elrond: ASHLEY NOOO!!!!!!  
  
***  
  
In Caroline's attic the big red button shakes. Suddenly it is sucked into the wall and in its place is a huge swirling vortex. If you lean close enough you can hear the screams of two elves, a ring wraith, a dwarf, a wizard and a hobbit. If you lean even closer you can also here the laughter of one Dark Lord.  
  
***  
  
Stay tuned for Chapter 3, and more confusion and intrigue. Please Review!! K, bye for now!!!! 


	3. Back to the Real World

Caroline's House 1100 hours and a bit  
  
* Five girls are standing in the attic staring opened mouthed at each other *  
  
Caroline: Who are you?  
  
* Louisa looks puzzled *  
  
Louisa: Who the hell are you?  
  
Caroline: Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of the Woodland Realm. What have you fiends done with my friends?  
  
* Ashley's mouths drops*  
  
Ashley: L-Legolas! B-but you not Legolas, you're a girl!  
  
* Caroline looks at herself*  
  
Caroline/Legolas: O_O  
  
*Natalie tugs at Jess's top*  
  
Jess: Yes young human?  
  
Natalie: What do you mean human. I'm Frodo, as in the ring bearer as in HOBBIT!  
  
*Also looks at herself*  
  
Natalie/Frodo: Eep!!!!!  
  
* The party all glance at them selves and it suddenly dawns on Legolas, Arwen, Gimli, Frodo and Gandalf that they're not in Middle Earth any more*  
  
All: Oh dear. . .  
  
Jess/Gandalf: Oh my God! I am wearing a bra! I think I may need to lie down.  
  
* Gimli strokes his chin. Looks puzzled for a moment then screams *  
  
Louisa/Gimli: OH. MY. GOD! I Don't Have A Beard!  
  
*sighs depressed and sit down*  
  
Frodo: *squeaks adorably*  
  
Gimli: Or my axe.  
  
Frodo: O_O  
  
* The sorta Fellowship turn on him/her*  
  
Gimli: Kidding, kidding. Jeez chill out a little.  
  
* They all look at themselves again. The normally short Gimli has turned into a middle height, blond/brown haired girl wearing jeans and a hockey shirt; the lovely Legolas has lost his long white hair and is wearing a stripy top with cords, and is defiantly not the most good-looking elf in the world; Arwen is no longer the raven haired enchantress she once was, she's been transformed it a blonde bimbo with a permanent smile; Gandalf, as well as wearing a bra is wearing black, black and more black as is Frodo. But Frodo has noticed something else.*  
  
Frodo: This isn't fair!  
  
Arwen: What?  
  
Frodo: I'M STILL THE SHOREST!!!!!!  
  
*Laughter echoes around as Gimli pats him on the head and Frodo squeaks once again*  
  
Arwen: So why are we here?  
  
*The laughter stops and they all shrug*  
  
Ashley: Oh . . . fine.  
  
* She sits down and starts humming something in elfish no one understands *  
  
Jess/Gandalf: * Stares at Ashley then turns back to the others* I think I know what has happened . . . the Big Red Button has been pressed. * Dramatic pause*  
  
*Silence*  
  
Gandalf: The Big Red Button has been pressed! * Dramatic pause*  
  
* More Silence*  
  
Gandalf: Are you telling me that none of you have ever heard of the Bid Red Button?  
  
All: *Nod*  
  
Gandalf: *Shakes head pitilessly* Well, basically it's this-  
  
* A chainsaw roars behind them*  
  
Michael/Sauron: Do any of you know what this thing is?  
  
All: O_O  
  
Sauron: I thought not.* looks hard at the buzzing blade* It looks very sharp . . .  
  
* The half Fellowship exchange glances *  
  
Simran/Ringwraith: SCREEE- Hey I can talk . . . WOW! Yo Saury baby, whazzup?  
  
All including Sauron: O_o  
  
Frodo: RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
* They storm through the door, chased by the Dark Lord and the Ringwraith and end up in Michael's room. *  
  
* Gimli presses himself on the door before Legolas and Gandalf pile various chairs, mattress and desks onto.*  
  
Gandalf: * Dusts his hands* I'd like to see him get through that-  
  
* The chainsaw rips through the door*  
  
Gandalf: NO I DON'T! I TAKE IT BACK! I DON'T WANT TO SEE!  
  
* Runs behind Legolas*  
  
Gandalf: I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!  
  
Legolas: Erm . . . Gandalf? I hate to break it too you but you're older than me . . . and I'm 7000, or at least I was. . .  
  
* Gandalf looks bemused for a moment then starts screaming again *  
  
Gandalf: I'M TOO GOOD LOOKING TO DIE!  
  
* Gimli and Frodo sigh *  
  
* Legolas, being the annoyingly cool headed elf looks around the room *  
  
Legolas: I know! Get in the cupboard. He'll never find us in there!  
  
* Frodo looks at Gimli with a pained expression *  
  
Frodo: Legolas. This is the all powerful Dark Lord we're talking about. I think he will look the in cupboard.  
  
Gimli: *Shrugs* I'm with the elf.  
  
Frodo: What?  
  
Gandalf: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.  
  
Frodo: * waves arms around frantically * Mad! Mad the lot of you!  
  
* So ignoring Frodo the others open the cupboard and reveal . . .*  
  
Legolas: What form of weaponry is this? * holds up a rifle and looks down the barrel* we truly are in a strange world.  
  
Gimli: *pulls out a huge sub-machine gun* Not exactly and axe but, hey whose complaining.  
  
* They start flinging them around like swords*  
  
Frodo: *picks up a shotgun and inspects the trigger. He starts to fiddle with it* Guys?  
  
All: hmmm?  
  
Frodo: *let's the safety catch fall back* what are these things?  
  
*the inquisitive hobbit unwillingly pulls the trigger blowing a hole in the wall next to Gimli's head*  
  
All: WOW!  
  
*As the smoke clears they see that Frodo's shot as blown a hole through the wall and into the next room, a girl's room . . .*  
  
Gandalf: This is interesting. *Picks up a small ornament* Very interesting.  
  
*The five explore this new room, still armed with the rifles, shotguns and machine guns from Michael's bedroom. Frodo starts bouncing on the bed, and ends up breaking it; Gimli looks through the cupboards, occasionally trying things on as is Arwen, but rather than trying them on herself she is complaining about the distinct lack of pink and fluff in the wardrobe. Gandalf is looking through the stack of books on the window sill, most of which seem to belong to different people who have loaned them to Caroline and never got them back (I am still waiting.) But Legolas, well Legolas is in a state of shock. He has found what looks like a shrine to . . .  
  
Legolas: Me!  
  
* He examines the pictures closely, trying to recall when he ever wore various items of clothing and why he seemed only to have his blond hair in only a few of the posters. He leans closer to one picture, then jumps away horrified*  
  
Arwen: What's wrong?  
  
Legolas:* Babbling like an idiot* He's . . . I never . . . I'm not . . . When did . . . *points at a picture on the wall* WHO THE HELL IS HE!?!?  
  
Arwen: *Looks critically at the poster* Pirates of the Cari-Bean. They're Pirates Legolas, of some place called the Cari-Bean. *Looks closer* Hey, why do you have your arm around that guys shoulder, and when did you dye your hair?  
  
*Legolas bursts into tears*  
  
Arwen: Hold on, that's means that . . . Ew! That's gross Legolas!  
  
* Legolas bangs his, well at least Caroline's head against the wall*  
  
Legolas: What kind of a sick and twisted place is this?  
  
*Arwen pats him on the shoulder*  
  
Arwen silently to Gandalf: I knew he was gay!  
  
*Gandalf nods and smiles knowingly*  
  
*Suddenly chainsaw sounds emerge from behind the door and.....*  
  
Sauron: Hello ladies. *the chainsaw whirs*  
  
All: *gulp*  
  
***  
  
And that it. The end of chapter three! Stay tuned for more. 


End file.
